Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Surrender

As I am getting deeper and deeper into my Bible Study I am realizing I think I am doing it all wrong - I am doing the study and trying to get all I can from it.... but I feel like I am not getting everything I can....

Dont get me wrong - I am already seeing changes in my life. I have far more joy than I have had in the past year. I can feel the changes in my spirit and I am enjoying life. However, I want more. I want that deep relationship - I pray, kind of, Alot of the time I feel like I am saying rehearsed lines. Like I am just saying what I am suppose to. I want to feel like I am actually talking to my Lord. Like he is talking back to me.

I am getting back into the dating world and I want to know if I am going in his direction. That he is leading me that I am not just running the race heading right back to all that has been. I sometimes have these what if's about dating that me as a person would say no to this situation everytime. Is that God telling me no - or is that me seeing things through worldly eyes.

I pray that he give me the word - I want to hear when something is not of him. I feel like something in my spirit is trapped that keeps me from hearing the wispers!!

Lord through all of this I want to surrender my entire self to you. My work, my friends, my love life or lack there of. I give you my love for those close to me - that you may love them so much more than I can. That you will take each of them and protect them and keep them wrapped in your arms. Give them strength - JOY - and feel your love in a real way. Take their fear - and insecurities!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

My days feelings

A couple of weeks ago I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I made the decision to end my one year relationship to a very loving man. As great as the man himself may be the relationship I felt was not right.

Now as I am trying to make some sense to not only my life but the thoughts in my head and the feelings I dont understand. I remember just how much I hate the dating "game" It seems so ridiculous to me. Once again I am stuck in a tug of war in my head............

- I deserve my perfect match and I would rather be single than be in a Mediocre relationship
- I am worried about being alone, possibly never have children of my own

Now I know I am not alone. I have a great support system, my friends and family are always no more than a phone call away. Please do not be confused I have a great life and I am not unhappy. I have amazing relationships - ones intimate to my heart. So why then do I feel like something is missing. Is it God? Is it my unfound other half? Is it children?

I know that I will figure all of these things out - I always do - it is just a matter of time.

On a lighter note - I was able to visit my sister and my wonderful nieces and nephews. It was a great time and I got all the hugs a girl could ask for.

Friday, October 17, 2008

New Blog

I am excited about this blog and cannot wait to start blogging....